The Charming Inevitability of Bear Attacks

Can Congress hold a hearing about how ludicrously, hilariously, hypnotically friggin' unfortunate my life is these days? Yes, 'unfortunate'...deflation is the stuff of reality, you fucking child. When I'm not helping my mother wipe relatives' asses, I am conducting audits, and missing events such as, well, you read it...

http://www.sister.co.jp/GirlsUStour2005/

Happiness is a lazy arrangement of the facts, folks. While my hairline tries to distance itself from the world around it, and conscience gets the better of my vices, and my hand hovers inches over my cell phone through all dark hours of the night, I find myself less and less resistant to the reality that--ten years from now--this will seem like a Paradise. So, I give in.

Perhaps I am unable to attend a night of Japanese girl-punk, and yes, Gang of Four will probably sell-out before I get to the Avalon box office, and yes, if I don't get to the gym within five minutes I will officially become the least sexy version of myself in living memory, but...Hitler is still dead.